| I don't wanna feel this overwhelming hostility |
[May. 20th, 2005|08:28 pm] |
It's sad when you don't recognize the people you thought you really knew. People are changing so rapidly these days, as I am sure I am as well.
These make sense to me now, but the question has long since passed.
Orestes
Metaphor for a missing moment
Pull me into your perfect circle
One womb
One shape
One resolve
Liberate this will
To release us all
Gotta cut away, clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue that's
Keeping me from killing you
And from pulling you down with me in here
I can almost hear you scream
Give me
One more medicated peaceful moment
One more medicated peaceful moment
And I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility
Because I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility
Gotta cut away Clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue
Gotta cut away Clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue that's
Keeping me from killing you
Keeping me from killing you |
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| orestes |
[Mar. 25th, 2005|12:47 am] |
so here it is, I'm 22. Thinking back on better times that were all inevitably quite deceiving. I'm deciding right now that this year in my life will be different than the last. I will surpass my worst possible year with something better. These are just words that most likely will fall short to reality, but I suppose many of us wouldn't even be here if it weren't for hope of something better. I've given up a lot recently, and all I have left are these lingering emotions that are evoked at the most inopportune times. I don't want this year to be filled with the same self destructive hate,jealousy, rejection, sorrow, regret, confusion, betrayal, mistrust, disgust ,and hopelessness that this year has been thoroughly consumed by.
I can't even be around you now. I see through everything else, all that is visible are your negative actions and intentions. I know everything else lays elsewhere, but it is not attainable, and I can't even appreciate it from our newly superficial standpoint. My ever lingering expectations of you are obsolete, I can't make excuses for you anymore. I understand, but with that came the clearer picture of the ruins which you now remain.Let others fictionalize you now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2004|09:46 am] |
why can't I stop
why are these chemicals dictating so many of my actions
when will logic finally overcome them
you
you need to fix yourself because no one else is capable
you need to fix yourself before you brake anyone else
you have issues from your past, abandonment, lack of someone always there
well, you had someone who would never leave you and that still wasn't good enough.
maybe you should think about your constant need to be with someone before you actually act apon it
now that i look back apon all the ones that I am now included in, I see a pattern.
you jump into things instantly, it becomes serious instantly...and eventually you run away when realizations are made...but its too late for the person your with, they are hooked already.
fucken stop this cycle you have perfected so well
all the girlfriends, the fiance, the 2.5 year relationship...what's next?
you do to people what was done to you
you need people so much, but when they need you where are you?
I know you have good reason to have issues about your past, you never deserved to be treated the way you where.
but stop instigating relationships so quickly, stop taking steps that you can't handle, stop giving those you are with expectations that you cannot live up to.
I hope you can have a healthy relationship some day just like I hope I can also. I don't think you really know what loving someone means, perhaps you should learn that before you tell someone that you do.
don't add this new girl to the list of those who became addicted to you, and then had to deal with the sudden absense.
I see a lot of patterns in angie and I
I really wish I never could, its hard to admit that.
but it's true, and it really hurts. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2004|02:21 am] |
I feel strange lately. It's really odd resituating yourself when changes occur. I feel like for the last 2+ years everything I did and every way I acted was based on being with someone. It's like now, when there is no one else around, my actions and thoughts are dependent solely on myself. It's kind of a strange feeling.
I think I'm finally starting to feel better about everything. I'm beggining to let go of a lot of what I have been holding onto so tightly. Things have been making more sense, and although they might be painful it really helps to understand. I know now that I allowed myself to be in really painful situations, and that maybe I just should have kept myself from being so available...and not just let you do fucked up things and think it was ok because I would always be there regaurdless. I think im starting to do that now, the whole situation from the last months has begun to make me angry, and I have begun to reach the point where I am just going to stop puting myself out there so much. I'm really just going to have to be convinced of your ability to be trustworthy and deserving of my friendship. I don't want to tolerate being hurt any longer, because I never should have had to to begin with. I think perhaps my logic is just slightly overpowering my emotions at the moment...and its making me realize so much. I will always remember the hundreds of good times I had, but the person in my memories will never match up to the person I see now, and its really quite sad to see someone change so much, or rather to realize that perhaps they where there all along just hiding in excuses. I never realized how unpredictable people can be, how much people can change, and how hard it really is to trust someone. Better now than years from now I suppose. Things just feel so strange, everything is so drastically different. As much as I may miss the past sometimes, I think I can now finally realize that it was for the best, and that I deserve someone who will always be sure of how they feel and not spend all their time doubting if I am what they really want. The happiness I felt, although obstructed often and really quite oblivious and ignorant, will always be part of me, and I will always remember what it felt like to hold you in such high regaurds. All the wonderful memories are now so severed from the current person I see, and it is really strange, everything is so odd. Everything that I once needed and depended on has been altered, but its getting easier. maybe im just becoming more numb to everything. |
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| Tool |
[Aug. 10th, 2004|01:02 am] |
09
Flood
Here comes the water.
All I knew and all I believed
are crumbling images
that no longer comfort me.
I scramble to reach higher ground,
some order and sanity,
or something to comfort me.
So I take what is mine,and hold what is mine,
suffocate what is mine, and bury what's mine.
Soon the water will come
and claim what is mine.
I must leave it behind,
and climb to a new place now.
This ground is not the rock I thought it to be.
Thought I was high, and free.
I thought I was there
divine destiny.
I was wrong.
This changes everything.
The water is rising up on me.
Thought the sun would come deliver me,
but the truth has come to punish me instead.
The ground is breaking down right under me.
Cleanse and purge me
in the water. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2004|11:10 am] |
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Everytime I begin to write I end up deleting it.I feel like everything I am feeling right now I have already written about and it would be quite redundant. Well...at the moment I can only hope that things get easier, that I forget about what I really want, and that I find something to make me realize how fortunate I am that everything has happened the way it has...all of which seem horribly unobtainable, if not impossible. I awoke from a dream this morning that reminded me of the feeling I miss so strongly, the feeling of complete comfort, confidence, and happiness. I'm really trying to understand the purpose of being sad, what exactly does it accomplish? I suppose it can make you realize how much you miss something, or how much you want something when it is not there. But what is it accomplishing when what you want is not obtainable? Ive heard that crying releases certain chemicals that you need to stay balanced...I don't know. I feel really lost at the moment, I am truly fortunate to have so many friends to be around. I really just need to revert back to only needing friends, like I did nearly three years ago. I miss having someone who I can always trust and rely on...eventhough that didn't even prove itself trustworthy. I miss too much, and it is accomplishing nothing. Everytime I begin to think of everything for too long I feel as if I am getting an anxiety attack. I have never experienced this before, what I need or think I need is either in the past or no where near at the present. How can I rely on the future when nothing is guaranteed. |
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| " you said my life's like a bad movie..and I said its true of all of us"-mb |
[Jul. 21st, 2004|10:19 am] |
I feel very conflicted at the moment. I wish my logic and my emotions could work in unison instead of being so contradicting. I can't seem to get enough of Minus the Bear, I have been listening to them on a daily basis. I am really looking forward to our first show with Niki on the 31st. Niki has totally enhanced the band, it is really amazing how things work out sometimes. This band has already gone through so many changes that hopefully it will all be a lot smoother from here. I really hope this winter tour works out, I can't fucking wait. Dredg is next tuesday and I am incredibly anxious to hear their new music, I can't wait to be impressed. |
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| "lost in you and I can't find myself again"-sugarcult ...god I'm pathetic.bah. |
[Jul. 14th, 2004|02:12 am] |
It has been strange adapting to all the changes. I know that everything will work out, it is just hard getting to that point. I miss so much. I have always had a problem holding onto the past, and it's really not helping me now. It is hard not having someone to fall back on, I am living on my own now for the first time. I have never wanted something so badly that I cannot and will never have. Perhaps it will come again, in someone else, I could really use something to make me realize that this is best. Yet I have never been so pessimistic.
I have never given so much to something, and I question how people are able to do it over and over again. I feel vulnerable, with no one capable of comforting me. I wish the feelings weren't quite so vivid. For awhile I felt nothing, and even now my current emotions come and go sporadically. I will regrett writing all of this in the morning, or most likely the moment I post it.
It's amazing how songs can suddenly become so relative. It is going to take a while to get used to this, I have come to depend on others for far too long. I can remember a time when all I needed was my friends, and I know I will reach that point again. I feel fortunate to have so many friends here for me through everything. I need to get some fucking sleep, at least I feel fine now that I wrote all of this down.I can always erase it in the morning. |
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| I can never get sick of this song |
[Jul. 12th, 2004|10:44 am] |
3 Libras
Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million, say:
Difficult enough to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over.
When I've looked right through,
To see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me
Well I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.
So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Well, oh well..
Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2004|09:05 am] |
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It's so hard forgetting all the memories |
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| I feel fine |
[Jun. 22nd, 2004|03:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bad kissers-track 5 | ] |
I feel very disoriented right now.All these things are occurring around me that I have little control over. One moment I am horribly sad and the next completely numb. If I have learned anything more often in the last few years it's that there is no one that can be completely counted on. Things seem to change far too rapidly. I wish I knew exactly where I stood in regards to everyone, perhaps I am finding that out now. |
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| stupid fucking picture |
[Jun. 18th, 2004|01:39 am] |
| [ | music |
| | the appleseed cast | ] |
We went to Daniel's house tonight so that they could finish up the vocals.We are recording a few of our new songs and will shortly be releasing an ep. So far the recording quality is amazing. I think recording has really been a great experience, I was really nervous at first but was amazed at how smoothly the process went.
On another note I am feeling slightly conflicted on what my career goals are at the moment. Journalism definitely has it's appeal, but I really can't be certain that I would be content with it for a long period of time. I am still going to major in communications since it offers such a broad subject base. I hope I figure it out soon. All I want is to look back in 20 years and think how lucky I was to have fallen into a career that I thoroughly enjoy. I only wish I knew what this career is so that I can at least attempt to attain it. It is frustrating enduring such uncertainty on a daily basis.eh,that is all. |
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| "together again" no not some cheesy title, the name of our plan! |
[Jun. 7th, 2004|10:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the mix tape given to me last night | ] |
Finally more people are turning 21, today is Annie's birthday. It's strange thinking back on how often we used to hang out. Two years ago we spent nearly every day together, and now I rarely see her once a week. It has been really cool hanging out with Cassie,Bill and Charlie so regularly now. Even if hanging out solely consists of watching tv with them, i still have a lot of fun. With so much that has happened between all of us it is so rare that everyone that I used to be so close with ends up hanging out together. I think it would really be great if Annie,Niki,Jennie and I all went somewhere for a day. Although living together definitely had its stress, there where so many times when we would all just sit around and talk for hours. I really miss that. At that time I was seeing them every day, and now it is such a rarity if I see them at all. When we first moved in we where so excited, and everyone seemed so close. It is really quite depressing to see how detached we all are now. Maybe in the future things will change. Not only with them but also with Nichole and Jana as well. We used to do absolutely nothing for days, but would still enjoy ourselves just sitting at Nichole's house or driving around aimlessly. I think we should have the party that nichole and I planned so long ago. Just selectively invite all the friends we have lost touch with and no one else. I wish my house was large enough. Anyways, I should probably get ready to go out to lunch with Annie. |
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| there is no stopping stupidity...but sometimes responding just makes you feel better. |
[May. 14th, 2004|07:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | saves the day | ] |
So, yeah. There is nothing like working with the public to make you realize how horrible people are. I had so many customers today that had absolutely no problem treating other people like shit. When my last day finally comes I will redeem every bad day at work by telling every rude customer just how inconsiderate they are...it will be wonderful. The only thing that made me feel better was going out to get yogurt with terrance, although we still had to try and ignore how self centered people are. We are both really excited about the bad kissers shows this weekend. The zebrahead show saturday has got to be the strangest lineup. It will be our first stage show at the Phoenix which will be amazing but a lot different from the close, intimate crowd we have experienced thus far. Well I guess Ashley will be accustomed to it, seeing as this is all far but new to her. I think I will just face terrance onstage and make funny faces at him the whole time..how's that for stage presence eh? Or if I really want to make him laugh I will just mouth the words monkey or poop, I wonder if that works on him when he's sober?? I will have to test it out on him when he gets off work tonight.mwuhahahaha |
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| TADPOLE RECORDS |
[May. 12th, 2004|12:04 pm] |
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I completely forgot...so Tadpole Records is looking to put out a compilation of local bands. We are accepting as many songs as bands would like to submit. We don't know how many spots we have open or the specifics on cost and cd turnaround but we will soon. If anyone knows any bands that may be interested email tadpolemusic@yahoo.com for more info. Or I suppose you could just post on here. We would like to start getting music as soon as possible. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2004|11:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | braid-dozen roses | ] |
Braid is reforming to tour, they are playing in june I believe. The appleseed cast is playing june 13th. Buy tickets before they sell out! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2004|11:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | death cab for cutie | ] |
So...Coachella..yeah.Radiohead was incredible, they made suffering through 105 heat all day worth it. Q not U fucken rocked which was to be expected.It was cool seing Goeffe from thursday and Flea rocking out to them on the side of the stage. There were so many good bands, qnotu,sparta,thursday,theflaminglips,and cursive all spoke out against bush which I can only hope will help. Unfortunately I got really sick and threw up on Sunday and spent the entire day falling in and out of nausea.
So bad kissers are playing this friday at SSU at 12pm, at some house party saturday on marlow, the 22nd at the phoenix with the spill canvas and the linsay diaries, and sometime after that with john courage at 1710. God, writing that all out made me realize how soon and how often we are playing, pretty overwhelming. We don't even have a full set yet. I wish we had more time to prepare for all this, but I suppose we didn't exactly go searching for shows, they were all just sort of offered to us. I have to record my bass parts tomorrow with nick, hopefully it will go smoothly and I won't still be sick. I have been told that the recording sounds really good, which is wonderful considering he is also recording us free of charge. I am still so exhausted from the trip, we hardly slept at all. We were practically the only ones without a tent. We slept in only our sleepingbags surrounded by a massive wall of tents containing quite a few highly annoying campers. im going to go back to sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|11:59 am] |
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So my neighbor across the hall is moving out apparently. I keep thinking how cool it would be to get someone we know in there. COachella is this weekend and I am really excited. I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Unfortunately because I am going to Coachella I am going to miss us recording for the first time. Oh well, its for a good cause I suppose. God, allergies are so bad right now I am fucking wheezing. I have a meeting today with Dan and Sarah about the label. It is really exciting seing things actually get done. We have decided to start gradually by putting out band merch and websites, and eventually we will assist with recording and cd packaging. We are really fortunate to have someone who can design websites and merch so well. Dan has already designed several buttons and stickers and they all look awesome. Hopefully we will be giving them out shortly to begin getting our name out there. I know it may sound lame but you should all get fucking friendster accounts damnit. |
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| I preffer the pink ones |
[Apr. 24th, 2004|06:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | nauseated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fight like fight | ] |
well the show last night was fun. Although playing was cool (despite my numerous mess ups) the best part was seeing all my friends who came out. I was disapointed that nichole and jana left so early without saying goodbye! It had been so long since I had seen them. Anyways, terrance is being a little jerk face. As is often the case. Apparently we are playing the main stage of the phoenix May 22nd with the Spill Canvas and the Lindsay Diaries. Haven't heard the second band, I am curious to hear what they sound like. I guess I should really work on moving more. So I went to the orientation at ssu and got next semester pretty much figured out. It might take a semester or two to get into my major since it is impacted. I have a huge bag of jellybeans staring at me as I type. I keep squishing them and putting them into the designated squished pile. I really need to stop,just throw them out already, the second pile is getting to be too big. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2004|04:43 pm] |
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It has been awhile since I have seen anyone lately. Excluding about 5 people, there are so many people that I have yet to catch up with. I can't wait until summer when I have more time. So yeah, we have a show friday at the Phoenix. We are playing around 8. I've decided that before we play I am going to go across the street and get a few drinks. Hopefully that will combat the nervousnes. Hmm, other than band stuff my week has been rather uneventful. I have a meeting wednesday with dan and uhh..shit i forgot her name, about the label. It is cool that they seem completely serious about it all, I just wish I had more money to contribute to it. I am supposed to think of 3 or 4 possible record label names. So far I have yet to come up with one. Anyone reading this who has some suggestions I would appreciate it. Cursive is playing may 24th and 25th is sf. And Coachella is only two weeks away! I can't wait. |
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